never the 1st choice

one day everything was fine

i thought you were mine

turns out my prince 

has someone else in mind.

never the first choice

never the princess

always the consolation prize

always the runner up.

thought i was more than that

have i done something wrong?

i don't know what to do

i don't know how you feel.

never the first choice

never the princess

always the consolation prize

always the runner up.

i've lost the reason to fight

we're on a different battle

you fight for her

while i fight for you.

never the first choice

never the princess

always the consolation prize

always the runner up.

i was never the first choice....

never at all...

random musings

It's Saturday night and I'm here in my room letting my mind wander. What better way to spend the weekend but to put words to my thoughts.

so what's on my mind right now?

***

Mc Donald's is celebrating its 30th anniversary (here in the Philippines) and they're bringing back some of their well-loved TV commercials. I really love this particular tvc, it brings a lot of memories, good and not-so-good memories.

let's watch...

*** 

I've written a letter a few months ago , I wanna post it here just to let it all out from my system. My friend Cla, read it and advised me not to publish it coz its too personal. Upon reading my letter, she understood and felt my wrath, my hurt and my pain. Now, I feel better even if I wasn't able to publish it here, it was good to know that someone can identify with me. Writing helps alleviate the pain. Maybe someday, I'll have the guts to publish it here. I'm okay but still there are moments that memories kept creeping back. I try to shrugged it off.

***

I love reading The Professional Heckler's blog. His posts are witty and are fun to read. There are  times (while reading heckler's blog) my colleagues would catch me smirking and trying to suppress laughter to myself . They must've thought I'm a lunatic. Visit his blog and I'm sure you'll be laughing in no time. Right now, I'm waiting for Professional Heckler's game on twitter (the game is every Saturday night, 930-1100). Last week I joined his game for the first time and my entry got selected and was included in his blog. Beginner's luck. wahaha! It was so fun. His question was, what would you answer if Pnoy asked you to marry him. There are alot of hilarious replies, read here. My reply got picked last minute, check out #78, that's me. :)

update: professional heckler's game is over. and my entry this week wasn't selected. oh well, better luck next time.

***

I have to let this out guys, sorry. I've been keeping it to myself for the past weeks, I just have to let it out. Whoever is reading this and thinks that he/she is the subject of this post, all I can say is bato bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay pangit! wahaha! :P

To whom it may concern, I could be mean if I want to but I chose not to stoop down. I know a lot about you, and I can reveal everything I know that could ruin your life. You have a lot to lose and I don't know if you could live with that. I wonder how well you sleep at night? Peace of mind is hard to get these days. I pray that you come to your senses and change.

Wow, that feels good! I sounded like a b*tch though. Sorry, but I feel the need to let it out. 

***

Today, TJ is 1 week old! I love naming my gadgets, it kinda makes it personal.  Meet Team Apple, we are called Team Apple because Josh and Renel bought Ipad and I was tempted to buy one too, but I think I need a laptop not Ipad. Hence, I bought a macbook.  The first few days, I was having difficulty with TJ. Mac's OS is different from Windows, and I've been using Windows ever since I learned how to operate a computer so I need to adjust. As of now, I'm getting the hang of it and it's not that hard, in fact, the function keys are easier, but that's just me , I guess. I'm a Mac convert now.

TJ

newest member of Team Apple * I can't find an updated picture*

the crazy ones, love this ad too!

***

I read a blog entry of Paolo Coehlo end of last year. At that time, I was going through a rough patch and upon reading this,  I was enlightened. 2011 is my year of unlearning things/habits. To quote what Paolo Coehlo eloquently wrote, "Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need."

25 songs

Once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write down 25 songs you cannot live without. You know, the ones you can listen to over and over and never get tired of. They don't have to be in any particular order. These are the songs that make you laugh, cry, think of an old friend, whatever the reason. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
(You are the best one, of the best ones....you have stolen my heart.)

2. Better Together - Jack Johnson
(it's not always easy and love can be deceiving, i tell you one thing, its always better when we're together)

3.Sunrays and Saturdays - Vertical Horizon
(We'll get to know ourselves again,And we'll heal our hearts,It's not that we're bad together,We're just better off apart)

4. My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne
(You were everything, everything that I wanted.)

5. Yeah Whatever - Splender
(Damned if you do,F***ed if you don't. Yeah, whatever makes you happy
Yeah, whatever makes it beautiful.)

6. It Ends Tonight - All American Rejects
(The walls start breathing,My minds unweaving,Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.)

7. I Try - Macy Gray
(My world crumbles when you are not near .)

8. Spolarium _ Eraserheads
(At ngayon Di pa rin alam,Kung ba't tayo nandito,Puwede bang itigil muna,Ang pag-ikot ng mundo.)

9. Migraine - Moonstar 88
(Nahihilo, nalilito, Asan ba ako? Andiyan pa ba sa iyo?)

10. Lightyears _ Eraserheads
(Doesn't really matter where you are,It always seems so far.)

11. Mad Season - Matchbox20
(At times I do believe I am strong.)

12. Daydreamer - Vibrant Days
(Stare at the bright side.)

13. Eastpack - Vibrant Days
(if i change my mind...i'll close my eyes and be with you.)

14.Sundo - Imago
(Kay tagal kong sinusuyod ang buong mundo para hanapin ka.)

15. Everything - Michael Buble
(And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times...it's you, you make me sing.)

16. Who Am I - Casting Crowns
(Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth,Would care to know my name,Would care to feel my hurt.)

17. Don't Change - Musiq Soulchild
(See I'll love you when your hair turns gray, I'll still want you if you gain a little weight,The way I feel for you will always be the same.)

18. Breathe - Michelle Branch
(Everything is alright,If I just breathe.)

19. I can wait forever - Simple Plan
(When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away.)

20. When I'm gone - Simple Plan
(Life is what happens while you're busy making excuses.)

21. I think God can explain - Splender
(It's alright, I'm ok,I think God can explain.)

22. Follow you down - Gin Blossoms
(I know were headed somewhere, I can see how far weve come.)

23. You belong with me - Taylor Swift
(Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you’re looking for has been here the whole time.)

24. First Time - Lifehouse
(We're crashing into the unknown,We're lost in this,But it feels like home.)

25. Save you - Simple Plan
(Tell me you won't give up,cause I'll be waiting if you fall you know,i'll be there for you.)

*No need to put part of the lyrics, arte ko lang yan. My songs are all about addiction to love, getting hurt and moving on. A roller coaster of emotions. Sarap pakinggan ng paulit-ulit-ulit-ulit while jogging/walking around acad oval sa UP. I mostly love number 1, pang happy ending.

-joyce

**ako rin, makiki arte gaya ni joyce kaya ako naglagay ng lyrics. hehe! these are the songs that i listen to all the time, bago matulog, pagkagising, kunbaga paos na sila sa kakakanta dahil paulit paulit kong pinapatugtog. its all about heartaches, letting go, hope and most of all, love.

Game Over

3 December 2010, a date to remember.

I never imagined that it would be a prelude to a goodbye. It started so right (that's what I thought). I had a nice wake up call, we talked for about an  hour or so, then he promised to call me again at night. He did and we had a great time laughing and teasing each other. I never had an inkling that my night would end differently.

He said he has found someone else! I don't know what to feel. As if someone splashed cold water onto my face making me numb. Everything became hazy.

A few months back I noticed that he was kinda cold but I shrugged it off coz I don't wanna impose or seem too clingy. I was dying to ask him but held back and let things be as I don't have 'right' to question him.

6 long years or so that's how long this almost not quite game has been going on. In fairness to him he didn't tell me to wait but I can't help but hope. somewhere somehow I was hoping everything will be set right and I'll have my happy ending.

I was wrong and I was wishing for the wrong things. Lesson learned (the hard and painful way) a relationship based on lies, pretension and deceit will never lasts. Sure, it may take 5 to 10 more years but its never bound to be forever, it will come to an end.

I guess this is Game Over.

I'd never want to see you unhappy

I thought you'd want the same for me

So you're gone and i'm haunted

And i bet you are just fine

Did i make it that easy to walk

Right in and out of my life?

game?!

okay, let's play an exciting dangerous game!

it's called the almost-not-quite relationship game.

rules: you can text/ call each other and do what other couples do but no commitment. first one who falls; loses.

ready? set? go get your heart broken and your life messed up!

you wanna try?!

the story of 'you'

journal entry

12 Oct

from Iloilo, on my way to Bacolod

How do I get you off my mind? Even when I'm supposed to enjoy my time, images of you  would cropped up. I wonder DO YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY TOO?! I guess not because things are going your way, every piece of the puzzle is falling into the right places. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for you, I truly am. I just wish I can say the same for myself. 

And so, here I am wishing you were here with me. Seeing what I'm seeing right now. I wish we could travel and see the world together. :(  *wishful thinking mode*

my thoughts about you..

:(

this hurts deeper than I thought it did
it has not healed with time...


would you find it in your heart
to make this go away
and

let me rest in pieces...

dizzier

i'm getting dizzier and dizzier by the minute...

i'm confused, dizzy, gloomy uninspired and tired all at the same time...

i wanna shout; scream my lungs out and cry till i have no tears left...

i think i could cry all day till my eyes ache more than my heart!

MIA

wonderboy's missing in action. haven't heard from him for a week. hmmm.... what happened to him?! i just hope he's fine.

angiogram

coronary angiogram - is an x-ray test that uses a special dye and camera to take pictures of the blood flow in an artery such as aorta. (heart)

why blog about this?! well, my dad underwent this procedure last friday night, to see if there's a blockage in his heart. my dad is okay now, he was discharged from the hospital yesterday. i think heart problems run in our family. my aunt and my grandma underwent bypass surgery years ago.

anyway,with my recent conversation with cla, i said to her, i think i should also go for an angiogram procedure. not because i have a blockage in my heart medically but emotionally. i wonder what will the doctor uncover. who's blocking my heart? why others can't get through my heart?! nyehehe! [sigh]

migraine gurl misses wonderboy

migraine gurl wants her wonderboy back. but wonderboy is having the time of his life. he promised to he'll be in touch and he did! still, migraine gurl misses him. he has been a part of migraine gurl's everyday life, as if something's missing when wonderboy's not around. hmmmm.... when will wonderboy get back?!

not in this lifetime

As I start a new life after that not-so-good encounter with the one that got away; read here. I was quite hesitant to meet other guys. 

Being a newbie at the workplace (we are talking about International airport now, i came from the domestic airport), I was assigned at the transfer desk. My duty is to man the counter even if we are not expecting any passengers to connect to our flight. It was my first time, and I have no idea what to do if ever a passenger would show up. Anyway, as I was busy counting the minutes before my shift ends, a group of rowdy guys on the other side of the counter were watching a collegiate basketball championship. They were really noisy and a bit annoying. But still, I kept quiet, ignored them and waited for my shift to end.

The following days and weeks, I was again assigned at the transfer desk. Thank God, the rowdy boys are not around! Yahoo! I really can't remember the details but one of the boys turned out to be a friend of my friend, we were introduced . We just said our hi's and hello's if ever we saw each other at the hallway

He became my friend, we ate lunch and go to work together. We enjoy doing things together, he always makes me laugh because of his antics. I find his sense of humor very adorable. Our friendship grew stronger, its almost like were a couple. But I was hesitant to take it to the next level because I believe and felt he was still in love with her ex-girlfriend. My guess was right; I learned that he got back with his girlfriend.

We still continued this friendship of ours. I found out he's getting married. He even read out to me his wedding vows.... *sigh* Later, he told me that if I just stopped him that night he would. He was just waiting for me to say what i feel... *sigh*

Yet we still remained friends, but this time, just friends. 

And we realized we have this common understanding... that we were not meant for each other, not in this lifetime anyway.

the one that got away

Airport, that's where it all began...

I haven't really noticed him at first. And then one fine day on July, he passed by my counter, he asked a lot of questions about the flight. Who was this tall guy with a smile on his face? Oh, he was one of those friendly flight attendants that greet and chat with ground staff like me ('cause other FA's don't do that).

A week after, I've been receiving anonymous sweet text messages. I can't remember the exact message but there was line that says, "why do we close our eyes when we kiss? its because the sweetest things in life are meant to be felt not seen, so asked me why i cant see you right now?". I couldn't figure out who sent it.

I did a lil' research, and found out the tall good looking guy who turns out to be a sweet gentleman was the one sending me those messages. I told him that I already knew who he was, he said that he will introduce himself properly. We went out for dinner; at that first meeting, we hit off right away. Talked for almost 4 hours non-stop, we could go on till forever but we still need to report for work the following day. So, we agreed to meet again the next night, until he was my constant companion. Right after his duty, he'll head straight to my dormitory and we'll have dinner together. He'd show me his 'flying' schedule, ( I call it, 'life plan') to work out our plans in advance. If there's a delayed flight or he was slated on the last flight, I take a nap first and wait for him to show up at my dorm so we could eat together. We would admire the beautiful night sky, our hobby was to gaze on the stars and talked about our dreams and future.

But we never really discussed our situation, we just enjoyed each others company. 

Friends and officemates wondered, what was going on. They kept on asking whats between us but I kept mum about it because I really don't know what to say.23rd of December, I got my schedule; duty on Christmas Eve. According to his 'life plan', he has a flight on that same day. Since both our family's are away from us, we decided to celebrate Christmas Eve together. 24th of December his flight was cancelled so he can still go home to his family to spend Christmas with them, but he opted to spent it with me. He didn't want me to spend Christmas alone . aww... sweetness! :)

New Years Eve falls on my rest day, unfortunately he has a flight. In return, I didn't go home, and spent New Years Eve with him. We welcomed the new year by partying at Rockwell. It was new year, I was full of hope, life and love. 

That's what I think...

And then, something happened... One day, he sent me a text message. "you were always there when i faked the tears, you were always there when i faked the pain, you were always there when i faked my sadness, but why you didn't catch me i didn't faked the fall?" I didn't know how to respond to this kind of message, I asked him what does it mean. But he said,' just shrugged it off'.

I can't take it anymore, I told him a story about a guy a really liked. It was like giving him a clue about us. I said that I really liked a certain guy but he's giving me mixed signals, sometimes he would treat me like a friend, other times he would treat like a girlfriend. And then he responded, 'do i know him?', 'is he close to me?'. Stupid me, I said it was someone he didn't know because I was too embarrassed to admit that HE WAS THE ONE! We never talked about it anymore.

Then, I noticed some change. The nightly visits became weekly, then it became once a month. We still talk whenever we see each other at the airport but that's about it. 

Later, I learned that he moved to a new apartment, a bit far from my place. And I was assigned to a different airline, this means I'll be 

moving to a different airport, no chance to see him anymore. Every once in a while, he'd still send me text messages, and sometimes we would still meet.

Lesson learned:

NO GUTS, NO GLORY!  If I have just voiced out what I really feel for him, then I would not be dwelling on this 'what if' scenarios.

As for me, I think he is the ONE..... The ONE that GOT AWAY!!!